Cause You Don't Know Better

The proactive steps our government has taken toward protecting its citizens have finally begun to have a trickle down effect on our society. Thank goodness. How this country and its people ever survived for over two hundred years without someone in authority stepping in to protect us from ourselves, I’ll never know.

Much like those tags you find on hair dryers warning that it should not be used while in the bath or shower, officials at a Rhode Island Catholic elementary school have come together to prevent an equally dangerous practice… talking while eating. After three incidents of children choking in the cafeteria, the St. Rose of Lima School has instituted a ban prohibiting talking during lunch. Officials say that while none of the incidents were serious, the ban was enacted to ensure student safety. In a masterful move demonstrating both insight and wisdom, the school deemed that a silent lunch would ensure teachers would be able to identify a choking child in time to administer the Heimlich maneuver… after all, they can’t be expected to merely watch for children clutching their throats and coughing while turning a distressing shade of blue.

Their proactive action has inspired me to come up with a few suggestions of my own:

--From this point forward, I urge that all eye make-up should be outlawed… someone could sneeze while applying it and put an eye out.

--All razors should be banned in order to prevent any accidental decapitations.

--Any paper product that might potentially cause a paper cut should be banned. Not only do paper cuts hurt like the dickens, but they could possibly become infected, perhaps developing into gangrene and thereby leading to the chance that an individual just might run the risk of losing a limb.

--Henceforth, we should be required to eat using only our hands. Yes it will be messy and inconvenient, but we can’t allow every Tom, Dick and Harry access to forks and knives due to their potential use as weaponry. And sorry, but spoons are out too. Remember that twenty-something woman in Australia who got a spoon lodged in her throat in a fit of giggling?

--And last but not least, showers and baths should be outlawed unless the shower or tub is retro-fitted with rubber walls and flooring (which will be provided by the government for a nominal fee) AND provided that the individual wears strap-on suction cups to prevent the possibility of slipping on a wet floor.

I realize that following these suggestions will mean we’ll be a messy, hairy, stinky lot, but losing a few more conveniences and personal luxuries in order to ensure our safety is a trade well worth making… isn’t it?






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