Bowlside Vigil

Some of you may remember my post about the geriatric goldfish duo in my house. As I write this, Pokey is suffering partial paralysis and apparent internal bleeding. We are holding a bowlside vigil and preparing funeral arrangements. Please say a silent prayer for my 11 year old as he loses his friend of 9 long years, Pokey the Goldfish.

This is only a test....

Wondering if I can still find my way around here... I found a wonderful web site to share with anyone who is still checking in: http://www.passiveaggressivenotes.com/

Enjoy.

Lucy

Oh dear... I wonder if any of you is still around. Ethel and I have been crazy busy. Family illnesses, personal illnesses, and all manner of crises. I don't know when we will be back... Sorry....

Lucy

And We Thought the Insanity Would End...

I saw my kids off to school yesterday after several days of frenetic supply shopping, arguing over summer assignment completion deadlines, and general lousy moods over the end of their freedom.

For some reason I thought this would leave me with time to, oh... I don't know, write in our blog or something. I was delusional. I have done nothing but try to repair the damage done by having three children home for two and a half months. We had no food in the house. Laundry has progressed to the point where climbing gear is required to scale the piles of clothes. I'd tell you about the Dust Bunnies, but they are so big I'm afraid they'll ambush me if they catch wind of my plan to eradicate them.

I hope that by next week I will be able to find my way over to Ethel's and make sure she is properly untied. Somehow I expect she'll have something to say over Fred Thompson announcing his presidential intentions on Jay Leno, don't you?

Heeeeellllllppppppp!!!

Lucy and I are currently tied up ... our kids wanted to play cops and robbers... guess who got to be the robbers??? As soon as we get the knots worked loose we'll be back.

In the meantime a few tidbits ( sorry but typing with my big toe is quite laborious):

I heard that the Prez challenged Congress to "support the troops" and give them what they need. I just hope that Ms. Pelosi heard and she'll start the impeachment proceedings toot sweet.

And filed under "Isn't It Ironic?", I found it highly interesting that the President and the MSM are telling us that the troops want to stay and that they don't want to "cut and run" and yet Ron Paul, a man who has been steadfastly against this President's hawkish insanity from the beginning, has received 52% of his campaign donations for his presidential run from active duty military. Seems like those soldiers must've misplaced Dub's memo.

Concerning the former Surgeon General's testimony that he was not only blocked from discussing health issues that were in conflict with Georgie's policies, told not to attend the Special Olympics because *sniff* that odious Kennedy family was affiliated with that organization, but that he was also ordered to mention the President's name three times on every page of each speech he gave. I've got to say that this wasn't much of a surprise. I mean is it much of a reach to imagine that a man who even has his socks and skivvies monogrammed with the presidential seal would be megalomaniacal enough to make such a demand?? Shoot, I'll even lay odds that he's got a big ol' magnifying glass hanging above the presidential urinal.

I could keep going but my foot is turning blue... and we think we hear them coming back...gulp.

Declaration of Independence II

I thought it might be a lovely idea to present this to our esteemed leader on this 4th of July and declare our own independence... from him.

"When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the
political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness. Prudence, indeed, will dictate that Governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shewn that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed. But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same Object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute Despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such Government, and to provide new Guards for their future security. — Such has been the patient sufferance of these [States]; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former Systems of Government. The history of the present [President of The United States] is a history of repeated injuries and usurpations, all having in direct object the establishment of an absolute Tyranny over these States. To prove this, let Facts be submitted to a candid world.

He has refused his Assent to Laws, the most wholesome and necessary for the public good.

He has made Judges dependent on his Will alone for the tenure of their offices, and the amount and payment of their salaries.

He has affected to render the Military independent of and superior to the Civil Power.

He has combined with others to subject us to a jurisdiction foreign to our constitution, and unacknowledged by our laws; giving his Assent to their Acts of pretended Legislation.

For depriving us in many cases, of the benefit of Trial by Jury.


For transporting us beyond Seas to be tried for pretended offences.

For taking away our Charters, abolishing our most valuable Laws and altering fundamentally the Forms of our Governments.

For suspending our own Legislatures, and declaring themselves invested with power to legislate for us in all cases whatsoever.

A [President], whose character is thus marked by every act which may define a Tyrant, is unfit to be the ruler of a free people."

Justice Dubya Style

President Bush continues to strive to reach new lows as he commutes "Scooter" Libby's sentence preventing him from serving any jail time for committing treason by exposing the identity of a covert CIA operative... in war time... and then lying about it in court. Is it possible that we were all dreaming when we saw him say that anyone in his administration who was involved in Ms. Plame's "outing" would be fired and face appropriate legal action??? Apparently our president feels that the sentence was too harsh. Obviously the 30 months "Scooter" had been sentenced to serve would have been an excessive hardship for him and his family.

I just have to wonder though...where was this sense of compassion when he served as governor of Texas and refused to pardon any of those serving on death row? And where , by the way, is this new found sense of compassion for those troops serving their sentences in that prison called Iraq? Or could it be that only those who have dirt on our beloved leader benefit from his generosity???

Happy To Be Back!!!

I'm checking in to let everyone know that I'm still alive and kicking ( no black uniformed Blackwater contractors have come to carry me off in the middle of the night... yet). As Lucy let you all know I've been buried beneath seemingly endless renovation projects filled with glitches (the full gallon of $50 fume free lavender paint that caused about $700 in replaced carpet and pad... we still haven't had the antique dresser refinished... sigh). Unfortunately we've had to try to finish as much as possible before my husband leaves for a three month long class in Alabama in a few weeks.

I was also recruited by the Learning Disability Association near the end of April to do some public speaking to help with fundraising and spent much of my first several weeks away writing and re-writing my speech. I spent an equal amount of time in those weeks pacing frantically and trying to control my nausea as I obsessed about how much I dislike speaking in front of large groups of people.

In the middle of all that our youngest daughter's school went through a change in administration. The new folks in charge felt it was time to shift from focusing on teaching gifted children ( after all there aren't that many statistically speaking and they're more expensive to educate) to "saving" them. Are the hairs standing up on the back of your neck yet??? Yep, her wonderful school will be a fundie christian school next year. Needless to say we declined to stick around for the brainwashing. Unfortunately, this meant we had to find a new school and fast. Thankfully we were able to find one that should work well for her. They don't participate in the standardized testing craze and.. hold onto your hats... they actually encourage critical thinking. I'll keep you updated on the efficacy of this revolutionary approach.

Since then it's been a typical whirlwind of end of the school year chaos and the fact that if I try to sit at the computer for longer than 30 seconds it seems to trigger various catastrophes accompanied by the plaintive cry of "Mooooooommmmmmm" that require my immediate attention. I'm hoping that in between taxiing my kids to their various classes, life guarding at the pool, supervising crafting activities and my general refereeing duties that I should be able to begin writing on a fairly regular basis again and taking some much needed strolls through the blogosphere. I look forward to visiting you all soon!!!

Ethel

A Poem by Lucy's 13 year old Son

My son was inspired to write the following poem. I found it pretty amusing because he is honest to a fault....

Cheaters never win they say,
I've come to hear that much,
But everything I've cheated for,
Has come into my clutch.
From books and games and magazines,
and all the toys galore,
Getting all these things just makes
me want to cheat some more.
So "Cheaters never win" those words,
they put me in such pain,
When the truth of the matter is,
That cheaters always gain.

MIA

We are sorry to be absent for so much of June, but we are literally on the go all the time. Please bear with us and we will return as soon as we can!

Where's Ethel?

Not to worry... Ethel is slightly overwhelmed with her kids' year end school activities/exams as well as some ill-fated home improvement projects. She sends her love and will be back ranting as soon as she gets the lavender paint spill off of the antique dresser... Looooong story.


Lucy

Tyra Banks, Worst Role Model... Ever

In April, Tyra Banks was photographed on a beach. She was wearing a swimsuit and had *gasp* cellulite. Tabloid headlines screamed that the supermodel had gained weight. The unflattering pics were splattered across every cover in the checkout aisle. Did Tyra just take it? Nope.

Tyra went public with her weight: 165 lbs. She orchestrated her own onslaught of tabloid covers with a more flattering picture of herself in a swimsuit. She dedicated an episode of her talk show to feeling good about yourself, regardless of weight. Tyra and her "So What?" campaign were champions of women. Great, right?


6 weeks later Tyra was again on magazine covers. This time the headlines screeched: "How Tyra Got Slim!" and "Tyra sheds 30 pounds in 6 weeks!" She is in a green bikini and grinning. Apparently she didn't listen to her own message about feeling good about yourself. Apparently that was all spin. Apparently, although we don't put a whole lot of stock in what she says anyway, we shouldn't bother to listen at all now.

Way to be a role model, Tyra.

Lucy

I'm onto you, Oprah!

Oprah, all powerful media goddess, is up to something.... And I think it's a hidden agenda and alliance with the Pharmaceutical industry. She has gone to great lengths to encourage us to read The Road by Cormac McCarthy, which she has said she is "passionate" about. I heard she told Larry King that it was an "inspirational father-son story" and like nothing she has ever read before.

If "inspiration" is what I was supposed to find, I must have gotten a bum copy. I read the The Road, and by the end of this bleak, depressing saga I was onto Oprah's tricks. In what must be a covert deal with drug companies, Oprah is choosing the most depressing books she can get her hands on. As readers sink into despair, they will seek out the help of antidepressant drugs from their physicians. Ah, how I love a good conspiracy theory.

Just watch... Future editions of many of Oprah's picks (see The Road, The Book of Ruth, Map of the World, etc.) will come with a special edition Prozac trial prescription bookmark in every copy and mini-therapy sessions with Dr. Phil in the "afterwords".

I'm onto you, Oprah....

Lucy

Hairapy

You know that SunSilk shampoo slogan, “Get Hairapy?” I need it... but not in a bottle.

I have always been fickle with my hair. I change the style and color pretty often, but for the last five years or so I have been in a rut. My stylist, with whom I have a 20 year relationship, has always enjoyed the fact that I like change and as a result of our rapport I have had very few bad hair incidents. Usually bad things happen when I ask her to do something that she tells me my hair won’t do... and I tell her to try anyway.

So on with my story. Last week I decided to change my style and color for spring/summer. I meticulously found pictures of Reese Witherspoon from the movie “Sweet Home Alabama” (it was on TV all this week) online and decided to brighten up my naturally dark brunette hair with chunky gold highlights.

I strolled in bearing my pictures (my stylist has an inch thick stack of my picture requests from the last 20 years) and she started to cut. The cut went well, lopping off a good 4 inches or so in the back. I liked it. Then came the color. The regular highlights in the back and sides were fine, but the chunky ones on top turned... *shudder* orange. Yes, the “O” word. A word no woman wants to hear from her hairdresser’s mouth during coloring. Not Lucy orange, mind you, traffic cone orange. So she reapplied the solution and I sat, eyes watering, under the dryer. When I emerged, the orange had turned white. Not good. My stylist then continued through 4 more procedures, ending with my highlights not only still white, but breaking off in chunks. This led to the other “O” word no woman wants to hear at a salon: Overprocessed. After five hours at the salon, I did not handle this well. I insisted on handing her a check and I left, crying.

I have notoriously low self esteem and my hair is the one thing that I actually like about myself, so this was a real blow. I fretted and sulked and considered my options. I could don a red string bracelet and shave my head a la Britney; Buy some lovely robes, shave my head and declare Hare Krishna in the local airport; Fake cancer (okay, so I couldn’t really sink that low, but it did cross my mind) and lament the side effects of chemo. In the end, I headed to the store and purchased $40 worth of moisturizing and repairing hair products. I knew my problem was well beyond the scope of these mere mortal treatments, but I had to try.

As I sat in my bedroom, my head slathered with “revitalizing damage reversing” goop and ensconced in a lovely plastic shower cap, my stylist called. She was very upset. She apologized profusely, swore she would return my check and offered twice weekly deep conditioning treatments for free. She felt horrible. I, of course, felt worse because the evidence of the incident was currently pasted to my scalp. But we verbally kissed and made up, amidst numerous apologies from her and comforting yet still slightly stunned about my hair remarks from me.

I have spent the last few days conditioning twice daily and perfecting an art of deception that would make "Mata Hairi" proud. I purchased ten pair of decorative bobby pins for swooping the unaffected hair over the stubbly remains of my highlights. A wide headband works wonders for covering that nasty broken area. Thank God for whoever decided that zigzag parts were a good idea...

And when all is said and done, I am facing weeks of continuing counterfeit hairdos, all designed to conceal the shame of the previously orange, overprocessed, remains of my highlights. So, does anyone out there know a good hairapist?

Lucy

Poll from the Verge

I have a question....

I noticed that we have quite a bit of traffic from dial up connections as well as dsl and broadband. I was concerned about the slow loading of our page due to the leopard background behind the page (it only showed in the narrow border since I expanded to 3 columns). I recently removed that background and I am wondering:

Does our blog load faster for you now?

Thanks for your input... and watch for my entry later this week about my need for extreme Hairapy!

Lucy

Parenting... sort of...

Last spring, slogging through the mire of required courses for my high school age son, we discovered that every student is required to take a half credit parenting class. Trying to be proactive, we decided to get it out of the way during the second semester of this, his freshman year. We were presented with two options: Child Psychology and Parenting. We knew that in one of the courses, a weekend with a computerized baby was required. Logic dictated that the baby would be part of the Parenting class, so my son signed up for Child Psychology.

Apparently logic has nothing to do with high school courses, because my son was assigned a weekend in April with “Wing Lee”, his Asian baby. In preparation for our guest, my son cancelled all of his plans. He ditched the movie with his friends, declined to sing in the choir at church, and planned to stay inside with Wing Lee all weekend. There was no way in hell he was dragging a baby doll out anywhere with him.

On Friday, I drove to school to pick Sam up. He trudged out of the school with a blanket covered lump in a car seat, a diaper bag, and grim expression. The entire trip home he fiddled with the sensor bracelet that he would have to scan over the baby’s stomach or back before dealing with it, to confirm that he was the caregiver. We got home, unloaded, and waited for the “activation”. His teacher had refused to give any inkling as to time of launch.

Wing Lee's arrival

Around 4:00pm Wing Lee began to cry. He had 4 cries: Feeding, Changing, Burping, and Rocking. The student was required to “chime” the infant with his wrist band, determine the baby’s need and meet it, and then record the time and his comments. The first few hours were basically uneventful, with feedings and changings and miscellaneous cooing sounds in between.

The feeding and changing cries became easy to identify. The burping and rocking were indistinguishable and were increasingly grating. It took between fifteen and thirty minutes to satisfy the burping or rocking cry. Apparently Wing Lee had colic... or rust on his microchip... either way he was one unhappy electronic infant.

Wing Lee being unhappy

Sam had planned to just forgo sleep for the weekend, but we convinced him that he needed to try to sleep when the baby did. He shut his door for the night, Wing Lee tucked safely in his car seat.

Saturday morning found Sam up early with Wing Lee. The night wasn’t too bad, but knowing what his friends had gone through, he knew that Saturday night was bound to be horrible. The weather was gorgeous, but taking Wing Lee outside would be risky. If anyone bumped the seat or jostled him wrong it could cost points. If Wing Lee was picked up without perfect head support, he would wail for what felt like an hour. We took him in the back yard for a short while, feeding, changing, burping and rocking and generally not enjoying the day.

By afternoon we were getting sick of Wing Nut’s whining. He had no schedule at all. The teacher told the students that he had varying schedules, but I have had three children and ten nieces and nephews and none of them had any “schedule” like Wing Nut. He would cry to be fed, take the bottle for 10 minutes, be quiet for 5 minutes and want to be fed again. Once he ate 4 times in one hour with no burping. The burping was completely random and unrelated to feeding. As a teaching tool, this thing was ridiculous. If it had a learning curve, where the student could begin to anticipate the baby’s needs, maybe it would have made sense, but the random absurd demands taught nothing.

Saturday night, Sam was up with Wong Fu 12 times. He was exhausted. We found him on the couch in the morning, baby next to him apparently sleeping. “Sure, sleep now, Stupid!” my son glared at it. Wing Nut demanded Sam’s full attention Saturday and by nightfall he was a mess. He dreaded going to bed because he was certain that the baby would cry every five minutes.

We put an air mattress next to our bed and kept Sam and Wong Fu company for the night. He wasn’t up as often, but Monday morning, we were all ready for Wing Nut to go back to school.

With relish I completed my parent portion of the baby packet. I stated that the tool was foolish and useless. I do not think it will deter teens from having sex. I do not think that in the heat of the moment, a teen will stop and say, “Oh no! Remember Wing Nut! We should stop!” The experience did not kick off any conversations about parenting because we have already had them. I ranted about the lack of schedule and the horror of keeping a fifteen year old up all night with a guessing game. C’mon, at night it couldn’t be programmed to change, eat, burp and go back to sleep? I made clear the fact that this was a parenting activity and had no place in a Child Psych class. Luckily my pages did not count as part of his grade. He managed to get a 90% all on his own. With one unsupported head pick up and one cry that went unanswered because we couldn’t figure out what the hell Wing Nut wanted, he passed with flying colors.

Wing Lee by the end of his visit (We had all aged)

What did we learn from this wonderful experience? I’m making sure my other sons sign up for Parenting Class.

Lucy

Bill Maher 05/04/07 - GOP Presidential Debate

GRRRRRRR!!

I have tried posting a video for the past 24 hours and I am FRUSTRATED!!!!!!! Rather than continue beating my head against the wall, please go to youtube and type in "Bill Maher May 4 GOP Debate". The clip is about 38 seconds and my text was...

" All they're missing are the multiple references to September 11th set to scary music."

Who knows, maybe a week from now it'll actually get posted.


Ethel

An Open Letter To Congress

Since our fearless leader broke out his shiny new veto pen to use on the Iraq Accountablity Act, there has been much debate as to what to do next. My question is WHY?? You are engaged in the ultimate game of "Chicken" with a tyrant. You were placed in that position by an overwhelming majority of the people you work for, THE AMERICAN PEOPLE. You are there acting on OUR behalf. For God's sake, don't blink!!!!

Let's not forget that this man was not only given everything he asked for in terms of funding, but was actually given MORE than he requested. The only caveat was a non-binding timetable for withdrawl from the gaping maw of death and destruction that is Iraq. NON-BINDING!!!!

An analogy may be in order. Let's say my 12 year old daughter presents me with a proposal for a birthday party. I tell her that I'd like to try to keep the costs as close to $100 as possible. If she looks at me with complete and utter disdain, telling me that she can't possibly be expected to plan a party with with any kind of financial limits placed upon her, I do what any parent worth their salt would do. I tell her that if she does not accept my offer, she will need to find a way to fund it herself... NEXT YEAR because this year she'll be doing community service on her special day.

What's my point? This president is acting like an ill-behaved adolescent. Send the same bill back to him and let him continue to hold his breath. So what if he doesn't like it??? Too bad!!! Trust me, he'll have to take a breath sooner or later. Under no circumstances should you give in to him. HE is the one responsible now for cutting funds for the troops, not you. The American people know that. Do not cave under his threats and foot-stomping. Rescind his authority because if he can't play nicely, he shouldn't be allowed to play at all. This man needs boundaries set. GIVE THEM TO HIM!!!

Ethel

New Universal Gas Sign

As I head out to spend a large portion of the day driving, I thought this would be an appropriate time to share this sign since misery loves company. How bad is the oil company's raping and pillaging where you are???

E