The Dance

I am not a perfect parent. I’ve made many mistakes, but due to the amazing resilience of children my daughters seem no worse for the wear. And every once in a while something wonderful will happen, like finding a rose blooming beneath a blanket of snow, that makes the trials and tribulations of parenthood all worthwhile.

As she's gotten older, my pre-teen daughter has begun navigating that age-old peer group dance where one small misstep and the consequences can be devastating. The most recent disruption in this choreographed production involved a young girl my daughter has known for 6 years. After an incredibly rocky beginning, the girls made peace and developed a genuine bond. My daughter, even at that tender age, stood by her friend as best she could through her parents’ volatile divorce and ensuing drama. Things have not been easy for this little girl and, due to this, she has not always made it easy for my daughter to be her friend.

Recently, I thought the situation had reached the point of no return. This little girl lashed out and accused my daughter of carrying out an act completely uncharacteristic of her… an act of pure malice. My daughter was angry and incredibly hurt. She felt that anyone who truly knew her would know that she was incapable of carrying out such an act. The armed camps lasted for weeks and both girls were miserable, but equally stubborn in their positions.

A few days ago it appeared that a truce had been reached as the two girls chatted happily on the phone. When they hung up I quipped, “So she decided to forgive you?” And then my 12 year old daughter turned toward me, a solemn expression on her beautiful face, “Actually Mom, I‘ve been thinking about how she brags an awful lot, and how sometimes she’ll exaggerate to make herself sound cool to the other kids… and then I started thinking about how lucky I am to have my family. I know I can always depend on you and Dad…I can trust you. And then I thought about how her dad says really mean things to her and how she can’t trust him, and how she has to deal with having to move so much…She didn’t decide to forgive me Mom, I decided to forgive her.”

It’s in moments like those that I close my eyes in gratitude, thankful for the knowledge that although I’m not a perfect parent, I must’ve gotten at least a few things right.









E

Pets on the Verge, Part One

I have nothing against pets. I grew up with cats and dogs and loved them. As an adult, before kids, I was working and didn't want to take on the responsibility of a pet. Once I had kids... well, I had kids. Who needs a pet when you have three little boys running around in various stages of potty training (which often evolves into potty mouth - a topic for another day)?

When my kids were very little they saved their birthday money for an aquarium. We went to the pet store and came home with a ten gallon tank and all the requisite paraphenalia, along with ten tropical fish.

Shortly thereafter, we found ourselves in a situation that required us to move to Boston for the summer. I dutifully asked the pet store what to do and triumphantly purchased several vacation feeders and handed them to my neighbor.

My neighbor did as instructed and dropped a feeder into the tank once a week. She told me that it was getting green in there, but I knew she had three kids and I was NOT going to ask her to do anything more than she was already doing.

Upon arrival home, I discovered long, flowing moss and algae. It was really disgusting. I could only locate two fish in the mess. I scooped them out into a plastic container and took the tank outside where I proceded to scrub and scrub and scrub and scrub... you get the idea. When I came inside for some more paper towels, I found the two survivors on the counter next to bowl I had placed them in. With a sigh of disappointment tainted with relief, I flushed them.

That's when the little black one started to swim. Against the current. Suddenly it was all clear. This little bugger had killed and eaten his roommates! That's why I couldn't find any other remains! And on the counter, the other fish was trying to escape a similar fate and the black one followed him over the edge in a homicidal, carnivorous rage! Oh, he was a devil fish, no doubt. So I flushed again.

Maybe it was a little cruel, but I was not taking that evil deviant fish back into my home... besides, he'd been in the toilet... ewwwwwwwwww! So I flushed again, and that damn malignant beast kept swimming against the current! I was getting really creeped out.

It took four or five flushes to send him away. I felt a little guilty at the time, but justified it as the death penalty for a fish who had obviously killed nine others, and most likely cannibalized eight of them. The guilt eased over time, but I continued to have a twinge now and then. Thank God for Finding Nemo. Thanks, Walt Disney, for telling me that "all drains lead to the ocean".

The only problem is that if that fish is in the ocean... Jaws doesn't seem all that scary anymore.








L

Post-Christmas Ponderings

As my neighbors and I pile the remains of our bacchanalian orgy of conspicuous consumption by the curb, longing for a Christmas spent before a real fire instead of a video facsimile crackling on the television and conversation with loved ones instead of grunts from family members plugged into various electrical paraphernalia, I am greeted with shouts of that ubiquitous post-holiday question, “Did you get everything you wanted for Christmas?” Although I don’t wish to sound ungrateful, my answer is a heartfelt “No”. I did receive some very thoughtful presents… my husband gave me a fleece turtleneck and pants because I’m always so cold, and an armband radio so that I can retain mobility while listening to my favorite talk-radio shows. My daughters brought tears to my eyes with their handmade offerings of love, and my parents gave me a 1st edition, autographed copy of one of my favorite novels. So what is it that I long for???

I’d like more time spent together as a family. I’d like to be able to play more games, take more walks, be silly, lay in the grass with my children, count the stars, and commit more random acts of kindness for complete strangers.

I think back to the Christmas my daughters and I spent alone while my husband served in Iraq and wish that I could wrap my arms around each and every family spending this Christmas apart from their loved one and tell them that their sacrifice is acknowledged and appreciated , just as we appreciate the sacrifice their soldier makes in service to our country.

I’d like to reach out and eliminate all the hurt and pain that leads to hate so that we can realize that, though we may call Him by different names and worship Him in different ways, we are all children of the same God.

So my wish for us all next Christmas is that we get what we really need- a dumpster for all those extraneous material possessions we have that blind us to what is truly important- time together , family, forgiveness, friendship, compassion, tolerance , faith, peace, and love.

E