A Modern Modest Proposal

I’d like to take this opportunity to thank Fox network, arbiter of good taste and morality, for taking the proverbial highroad and linking to the cell phone video of Saddam’s execution. This is not because I give two hoots about whether or not he deserved it, but because of the educational and recreational opportunity it presents. What family wouldn’t leap at the opportunity to hunker down with a big bowl of extra-buttery popcorn and watch someone take their final… well, leap? It’s the ultimate in rubber-necking (no pun intended).As for those do-gooders in our society who lament the public execution, or the execution itself for that matter, simply remind them of the efficacy of the coliseum. The Romans used the slaughter of Christians, etc. to keep their citizens both entertained and properly terrified, I mean, educated. Fox is simply following their example.

Because a chord has obviously been struck deep within the our collective subconscious that hearkens back to the fun that was the French Revolution, I have decided in the true spirit of American enterprise to cash in on, ummm , provide the people with the outlet they desire. I propose to Fox in conjunction with the beloved creators of Bum Fights, a new tv reality show that can be thought of as the adult version of that childhood classic, Hangman, combined with all the fun of a piñata. A deal will be made with those states still upholding the death penalty to provide the condemned prisoners/ stars-of-the-hour, thereby alleviating the financial strain of housing and feeding those burdens upon society. Who says you can’t be entertaining as well as civic-minded? The “star” will be provided with a gold sequin noose and a three-legged stool. Lucky audience members will be chosen at random to don black hoods and wield three-foot long clubs. When an incorrect letter is chosen by the viewers, the masked participants will be given a chance to knock the “star” off his stool. Much like our Roman ancestors, viewers at home and in the studio will be able to root for their champions, while also improving their vocabulary and spelling skills. When the final move has been “executed”, audience members will shower the stage with hundreds of pounds of the finest candies and Swiss chocolates for the hooded participants to scramble after in sheer delight and frivolity.

So what do you say Fox? Come on, embrace your inner animal. And for those of you whose bloodlust can’t wait for the show to hit the airwaves, I suggest you buy the video collection of The Faces of Death and a big box of Jujubes to tide you over.

E