Monday, March 05, 2007

More Snow!!!???

As Lucy and I await yet another in a long series of snowstorms to pummel us once again, we thought we'd share a bit of the "fun" with you. Those of you who live in snowbelt areas will be able to easily identify with our pain, and those who don't... please keep the mocking laughter quietly to yourselves.

Although the "Diary of A Snow Shoveler" has been around the block many times, we thought we'd add new life to it through pictures. Hope you enjoy it!!

Diary of a Snow Shoveler

December 8 - 6:00 PM
It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge softflakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had! Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life!

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment! My neighbor tells me not to worry- we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow, lovely snow! 8 inches last night. The temperature dropped to-20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish l wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snowtires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling! Took all day. The damn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white s#@& fell today, and it's so cold, it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to pee. By the time I got undressed, p#&*%$ and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's too busy. I think the a#$&(#@ is lying.

December 23
Only 2 inches of snow today. And it warmed up to 0 degees. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts?!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6 inches of snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a b*%$*# who drives that snow plow, I'll drag him through the snow by his testicles and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the damn snowplow.

December 25
Merry f---ing Christmas! 20 more inches of the damn slop tonight -Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God, I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze; plumber came after 14hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1,400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. The WITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches... Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver, and now he is suing me for a million dollars, not only the beating I gave him, but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up his arse. The wife went home to her mother. Nine more inches predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.


Not Your Mama said...

First time I've ever seen it, doesn't get much play down here where snow is that stuff you can visit up on the mountain but humans don't actually live in it.

I'd go out of my mind, couldn't do it. I mean we're people who are debating whether or not to leave Portland, OR on our list of possible places to relocate because it gets too cold.

Deb said...

I'm in Canada, eh? Lots and lots of blowing snow today - white outs all over the place - I'm sick of it. Give me a palm tree, pleeeeese.


RUTH said...

We get so little snow here now just the odd day or two in our area of England. I enjoyed reading the diary...and the last entry...LOL

two crows said...

hey, wov---
great post!
alternated reading it and gazing out my window at the palm trees.

Women on the Verge said...

Way to rub it in, twocrows! We are looking at... well, nothing! The whiteouts pretty much obscure the scenery and the below zero temps are keeping us inside...


pissed off patricia said...

I did the same as two crows did, just laughing as I read it and once in a while glancing out the window at my neighbor's palms.

That's very funny and after having lived in Pa. for a few years I can identify. The snow was indeed pretty for about half a day and then it became a pretty pain in the ass. Can't say I miss it except at christmas.

Mother Marlene said...

Ah yeah, the post just seems a little too real for me to see the humor! I am in upstate NY and the white outs yesterday and the 4 ft drifts in the driveway the other week are a little too real to be funny. Almost my whole family has left for the south...almost time to join them.


Hold on Mud Season is about to begin.

Looks like the BlogRolling is working.

3 column layout is the only way to fly, nice job grrrrils.

Women on the Verge said...

Hey, bob,
thanks for the kudos... I am particularly proud of finally getting a media player to work.
As for Blogrolling, I actually sorted the links by hand yesterday before I got your info. I had given up on understanding the blogrolling. I'm still not sure of the benefits, but I am going to check it out...

TomCat said...

Hiya!! here in Portland, which I believe is to the north of you, it's a balmy 62°. :-)

two crows said...

hey -------
sorrrreeeee for rubbing it in. I won't make it a
habit, I promise. this once, tho, I plead exhaustion
from the move and giddiness from finally making it to
fla after 5 years of workin at it AND over 2 weeks of computerlessness [the withdrawal pains were
horrific]. :)

truly am sorry about the weather up your way.

Not Your Mama said...

I had to open the windows and turn on a fan today.

Don't come unglued though, this summer I will pay while you are enjoying survivable weather.

Bart said... the side of my face...burning...heaving fire...

Flimsy Sanity said...

I liked the wife.

Deb said...

oh, another Deb? I didn't think that could happen?

We're such wimps here on the West Coast...the slightest bit of snow and we're whining and hiding indoors.

busterp said...


We get our snow in Illinois but only a couple unmanageable storms a year.

Still I think there were more truths than hyperbole in the post.


Anonymous said...

hi Ethyl, I love the story you put up, it's hillarious. At least you don't have to deal with Huricanes, Tornadoes, Wildfires, Earthquakes or Floods!!

tuco said...

I grew up in the land of snowy winters. I miss it for my kids but would never want to live in it again by choice. One good thing is they can predict snow... I wish they could predict earthquakes and wildfires!!
Great post, Ethyl!

Gene Bach said...

I've seen it before but I always get a kick out of it. I can actually see the sun here today...will wonders never cease?

Women on the Verge said...

Thankfully the only picture NOT taken at my house was the last one...