Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Cause You Don't Know Better


The proactive steps our government has taken toward protecting its citizens have finally begun to have a trickle down effect on our society. Thank goodness. How this country and its people ever survived for over two hundred years without someone in authority stepping in to protect us from ourselves, I’ll never know.

Much like those tags you find on hair dryers warning that it should not be used while in the bath or shower, officials at a Rhode Island Catholic elementary school have come together to prevent an equally dangerous practice… talking while eating. After three incidents of children choking in the cafeteria, the St. Rose of Lima School has instituted a ban prohibiting talking during lunch. Officials say that while none of the incidents were serious, the ban was enacted to ensure student safety. In a masterful move demonstrating both insight and wisdom, the school deemed that a silent lunch would ensure teachers would be able to identify a choking child in time to administer the Heimlich maneuver… after all, they can’t be expected to merely watch for children clutching their throats and coughing while turning a distressing shade of blue.

Their proactive action has inspired me to come up with a few suggestions of my own:

--From this point forward, I urge that all eye make-up should be outlawed… someone could sneeze while applying it and put an eye out.

--All razors should be banned in order to prevent any accidental decapitations.

--Any paper product that might potentially cause a paper cut should be banned. Not only do paper cuts hurt like the dickens, but they could possibly become infected, perhaps developing into gangrene and thereby leading to the chance that an individual just might run the risk of losing a limb.

--Henceforth, we should be required to eat using only our hands. Yes it will be messy and inconvenient, but we can’t allow every Tom, Dick and Harry access to forks and knives due to their potential use as weaponry. And sorry, but spoons are out too. Remember that twenty-something woman in Australia who got a spoon lodged in her throat in a fit of giggling?

--And last but not least, showers and baths should be outlawed unless the shower or tub is retro-fitted with rubber walls and flooring (which will be provided by the government for a nominal fee) AND provided that the individual wears strap-on suction cups to prevent the possibility of slipping on a wet floor.

I realize that following these suggestions will mean we’ll be a messy, hairy, stinky lot, but losing a few more conveniences and personal luxuries in order to ensure our safety is a trade well worth making… isn’t it?






E

18 Comments:

two crows said...

oh.my.god.
using the excuse of 'our children's safety' to ensure a march backwards to Victorian times.

I'm put in mind of David Copperfield [by Dickens -- not the magician].
next it will be starched collars, knickers and 'children must speak only when spoken to.'

after all, our children need to learn that their civil rights are going the way of the dinosaurs. can't start that lesson too early, can we?

Women on the Verge said...

tc-

My thoughts exactly... our apparent eagerness to trade our freedom for a false sense of security would be ludicrous if it weren't so terrifying.

E

Deb said...

well said

SSC said...

Well you know there is more serious harm associated with someone separating their mascara with a straight pin, then there is associated with.... say drinking to much water in a radio contest.

Well since their is no difference between a corneal scratch and death, I'm sure our government can figure out which one we really need to be warned about!!

RUTH said...

LOL...it's just the same here. Kids can't throw snowballs, make daisy chains or use old toilet roll tubes for making spaceships anymore for "Health & Safety" reasons at school. Manda can't remove a kids earrings if they are hurting them; she has to call the parents in or she could be charged with abuse! It's a mad world gone PC.

Women on the Verge said...

Rith-

I'm sure the school is citing that "someone might possibly throw a snowball that has a chance of containing foreign particles that could potentially put an eye out...", but what the heck kind of reason (albeit an assinine one) are they giving for banning daisy chains and toilet roll tubes... a child might become emotionally scarred if their daisy chain doesn't come out as well as another child's?? It could instill lifelong feelings of inadequacy if one child's toilet paper tube is slightly different from the other children??

You're 100% right... it's a world gone mad.

E

Not Your Mama said...

We get more ridiculous every day. Wonder if we could come back in a few hundred years we'd find everyone encased in cotton batting.

Women on the Verge said...

mama... how 'bout bubble wrapped and cryo sealed??

E

TomCat said...

LOL!! Very cute, Ethel!! Did you find my reply to your wallpaper question?

RUTH said...

E; after doing hours of painstaking research, missing meals and having no sleep in order to answer you question I finally have the answer (actually I missed seeing your question...LOL). It seems Daisies grow in the ground which dogs, cats and other animals may have done there business on and in our sterile no germs world of today it could cause illness amongst the children if they pick them...(how anyone over 20 has survived I'll never know!!!) Similar answer re; toilet rolls as they may have germs on!! I'm not advocating dirt and filth but I really feel that we are becoming so sterile we are no longer able to naturally resist day to day germs. The incidence of asthma and food allergies are rising and I feel this could be due to children not building up natural immunities. One boy at Mandas school has problems with his legs and if they start to ache the parents have to be called in (away from their jobs) to put his pain relief cream on. Gone are the days when a teacher could hug a sad child or wipe away a tear....it's all so so sad........

Women on the Verge said...

ruth--

Thank you for your dedication to researching the answer to my question (better grab a candy bar and a glass of orange juice to keep your energy up).

I'm with you 100% on this one. I have actually read articles saying that the high incidence of allergies we're seeing stem directly to the fact that our immune systems are not being stimulated through exposure to filth. People are becoming sicker more frequently for the same reason. And don't even get me started on antibacterial soap... I don't allow it in the house. My kids hang out in a horse barn, and we have 2 large cats in our house. The girls play in the mud, and the creek behind our house. And , hold onto your hat, are very rarely sick.

And besides, what kind of childhood is it if you are never allowed to roll in the muck???

E

Women on the Verge said...

ssc-

Welcome! Sorry I didn't answer earlier... I was so intent on trying to figure out the dangers of daisy chains and toilet paper tubes that I forgot what I wanted to say to you...

I have to say in reference to separating mascara clumps with a pin that it sounds eerily like something from the 80's... the amount of mascara we used then made our lashes look more like spikes a mountain climber would use. You wouldn't have wanted a "butterfly kiss" then... you'd have needed stitches afterward...

As far as the water drinking incident... a wise toxicologist once told me... "the dose makes the poison"... I wonder if that means some fine official with lots of time on their hands will decide we need to ration water too...sigh...

Women on the Verge said...

I have a confession... I have used the pin to separate the mascara trick. *hangs head in shame* I guess that the risk is the price of beauty...

L

Mother Marlene said...

I think all us '80's lovelies used the ol' pin trick. Some of us even had different tubes of mascara to layer on thatgoop 'professionally'!
How about the lighter to the black eye liner trick?
It also may soon be that newly crawling infants will no longer find brownies in the kitty litter, or fully appreciate the gustatory delights of dog food without parents arrested for child abuse and neglect.
I'm so grateful for the high moral conduct of our elected officials that they are undertaking this herculean task of protecting their constituents so carefully.

Women on the Verge said...

LOL!! I forgot the lighter melting the black eyeliner trick... ahhhh, those were the days...nothing like hot wax and chemicals to soothe the aching eyeballs...

E

Women on the Verge said...

And let's not forget using the melted liner on the INNER LID! Oh, yeah. I was practically Pat Benatar!
L

Flimsy Sanity said...

Some "simple answer folks" say the problem with youth is that they don't sit down at the table and eat with their family so that everyone can discuss their day. Talking while at the table is very civilized - just shoveling the food in is not, even in a school setting. How about a lesson on the Heimlich maneuver for all the kids so they can save each other.

Women on the Verge said...

flimsy sanity--

Teach the kids to help themselves??? Now you know that's just plain crazy talk...it's much better to teach them to be afraid of everything... less hassle.

E