While perusing the entertainment magazines in the checkout line, covers all showing Anna Nicole and Britney in various forms of distress, I was struck by the next tragedies that will most certainly hit newsstands next week. This is how I imagine the headlines:
In an effort to regain unflattering portraits on magazine covers, Lindsay Lohan today shaved her head while flashing her lack of underwear to reporters and vehemently denying permission to perform DNA tests on her daughter. When told she has no daughter, Lohan assaulted the Star reporter with a Kabalah bracelet clad hand, leaving an imprint of an AA 3 month medal (which, incidentally can be purchased on ebay – I am not kidding). Tearfully announcing her return to rehab, journalists reminded Lindsay that technically she hasn’t really been committed to a rehab facility, thus cannot “return”. She has been out daily, not only for work, but for clubbing. Realizing she is Britney-lite, Lindsay wanders off looking for a childhood friend or bad rapper to marry on a whim, wondering aloud how hard it is to catch anorexia.
In an effort to regain unflattering portraits on magazine covers, Lindsay Lohan today shaved her head while flashing her lack of underwear to reporters and vehemently denying permission to perform DNA tests on her daughter. When told she has no daughter, Lohan assaulted the Star reporter with a Kabalah bracelet clad hand, leaving an imprint of an AA 3 month medal (which, incidentally can be purchased on ebay – I am not kidding). Tearfully announcing her return to rehab, journalists reminded Lindsay that technically she hasn’t really been committed to a rehab facility, thus cannot “return”. She has been out daily, not only for work, but for clubbing. Realizing she is Britney-lite, Lindsay wanders off looking for a childhood friend or bad rapper to marry on a whim, wondering aloud how hard it is to catch anorexia.
L
10 Comments:
Funny stuff!
I had a guy I worked with once who would buy those rags and then cut out the pictures and make his own stories about people. They were hilarious!
Oh, gene... You should NEVER give me such ideas...
*evil grin*
L
Now if Ann Coulter, that would get a :-) from me.
Okay, that's truly funny.
Sadly or proudly I don't know who the woman is but it's still funny as hell.
I'm wondering what the bush twins are up to these days. Wonder if any shaving or rehab is in either of their futures?
Now that the fight over dead anna's body is almost over, we move into stage two where everyone fights over the right to the little kid. What are the chances of this child growing up to have a normal healthy life?
Rita Cosby: Anne Coulter and Michelle Malkin discovered in hot lesbian love affair. Debbie Schlussel divulges details of her secret Canadian marriage to Anne, files for divorce in Ottawa. Bill O'Reilly weighs in the scandals "O" factor and why Canada is a threat to America. Film at 11.
this is really funny. You're doing a great job of keeping me up to date with the REAL news...;-}
Hey, I have my priorities! How much do you want to bet Lindsay shows up in the tabs with something outrageous VERY soon?
I love your thumbnail, great blog too.
Lindsay must reclaim her headlines. Betcha she shows up a bleach blonde (ala Anna Nicole). Maybe she'll even announce her engagement to a geezer.
Ooops. For her, that would be someone *my* age.
Ack.
Hilarious post and some darn funny comments too!
Post a Comment